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Actual Bumper Stickers

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted — telepath: you know where to apply.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I love cats... they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Forget about world peace... Visualize using your turn signal!

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He/she who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.