Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down, and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows Vista.
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with a garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust the legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri of frankincense and myrrh.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build a snowman in the exact likeness of God.
December 31 - New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.