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Steven Wright Humor

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.